At that time, I'm talking about 1985.
A quick calculation shows that it is already thirty-five years ago. At that time, I seemed very old. I had just graduated from college and had already graduated from college. With a dispatch letter in my bag, I went to the Ji'an Bureau of Culture and Education to get a registration card for Yongxin Normal School, and immediately got on the bus to Yongxin. The shuttle bus flew all the way, flying dust all the way.
What is now called a highway or a national highway or a provincial highway was probably just called a "road" or "road" at that time. Although there are still people walking on it, and occasionally cattle and horses, it is mainly used by vehicles, but it is still called a road or a road. I don't think there is any grievance. After all, it is the same as a sidewalk or a road. It is just dug up and filled in, widened and flattened, and it is filled with dirt and gravel, or a layer of sand and mud is spread on top. There should be no ectoplasm such as cement and tar.
Apart from being wider, such roads are not much different from those thousands of years ago. The road is probably not smooth yet, so cars inevitably bump up and down; the road is often not straightened, so cars inevitably turn left and right. The scene of the driver leaning down, struggling to turn the steering wheel to one side, and then quickly turning it around again should be a cool figure from that era.
At the time, I didn't know that this road had been winding for thousands of years, and I didn't realize there was anything wrong with the flying sand and dust. The car is bumpy, but my heart is jumping; the road is curved, but my eyes are fresh. At every turn, there is always a view that is obscured by going straight. What is heart-stirring and makes me stand up from my seat from time to time is the passages along the river. The river flows eastward and the shuttle bus flows westward. White clouds drifting over the water, shaded by green forests, are refreshing. Although I don’t know where my destination is, I know that I am getting closer and closer, so I am happier as I go.
When you arrive at the county seat, walk a mile or two across the river to Donghua Ridge. The school is built around a mountain. Along the long and gentle slope at the foot of the mountain, you reach the school gate. Looking up, there are four big characters "Yongxin Normal University". Entering the school gate is a steep slope from the foot of the mountain to the mountain. Classrooms, auditoriums, dormitories, and canteens are mostly built on mountains. When teachers and students go up the mountain to enter the school, they always stop in front of the school gate to appreciate and comment on the calligraphy couplets that are displayed all year round. They can also stop for a minute or two to gain strength and improve. When going down the mountain into the city, you have to slow down when you reach the school gate platform, take a look at the Heshui in front of the gate, which is neither narrow nor shallow nor fast, then turn left and go downhill, whizzing downhill with high spirits. Pedestrians on both sides like to make noises at this time. They always shout kindly to the cyclist: "Get off quickly, get off quickly, the rear wheel of the car has fallen off. Hahaha..."
Many years later, I went to Beijing Normal University to study for my PhD. One day after dinner, I was hanging out in the campus bookstore with my classmate Hu Sheng, and suddenly a piece of music came to me.
The music is melodious and gentle, soothing the soul and refreshing the heart. You can't help yourself, you are intoxicated in it, and you won't leave for a long time. After returning to the dormitory, it rang in my heart many times. I want to listen to it again, but I don’t know the singer, I don’t know the title of the song, and the lyrics and melody are vague and nowhere to be found. I went to the bookstore several times hoping to meet again, but never met again. Later, I occasionally remembered a sentence or a half, and after looking for traces, I finally found out that it was Meng Tingwei's "Past Events". Re-examination of lyrics:
The dreamlike past is filled with laughter, and the lovely little river in front of the door is still singing old songs. Little river, I would like to stay by your side and listen to your eternal singing...
Only then did I realize why I liked "The Past" so much. I learned that the meaning of the "little river" in this song turned out to be the Heshui River in front of Yongxin Normal University. Although the river is not too small, and although I didn’t walk much by the river, and I didn’t seem to have much fun in the river, the river water has already flowed into my blood every day when I pass by, stop by, and casually glance at it every day. It turns out that three years have not been enough, I still want to stay by her side and listen to the eternal singing.
Across the river is Yongxin Hospital, where I stayed for about a week because I bit my tongue through during a basketball game. I still remember that after I was bitten on the basketball court that day, I didn’t pay much attention to it and continued to run on the court with my teeth dripping in blood. Later, he lost too much blood and had to be admitted to the hospital. Although biting your tongue is not a good thing, staying in the hospital is a good thing. Not only can I take the opportunity to avoid classes, but my classmates also come to visit me one after another to express their condolences. Although those canned oranges, malted milk and other souvenirs cannot be eaten directly, it is still enjoyable to take a look at them. Besides, the hospital is also close to Heshui. Hiding in the hospital bed, you can hear the gentle singing of the river.
During those years at Yongxin Normal University, I didn’t know about Meng Tingwei, nor did I know if Meng Tingwei existed at that time. The one I sing the most is Fei Xiang. I may have sung every one of his songs, and every road and tree in Donghua Ridge has been noisy by my singing. The main road that was most disturbed was probably the main road of the school, that is, the section from the school gate through the office building to the auditorium. This is also the only way from my dormitory to the stadium. Whenever I wear sportswear to play on the court, or go back to my dormitory from the court shirtless, I have to sing a few lines at the top of my lungs:
The clouds from my hometown drift from the sky, and they keep calling me...
Why does the annoying autumn wind blow away your people and my love without a trace...
The silver light in the sky shines on your window, making me want to open your heart. I linger all night, waiting in front of your window for you to lift the gauze curtain...
Seeing this, everyone may think that I am a singing genius. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Among all the arts and sports, rhythm and melody are my weakest links. I am a veritable singing genius and a typical tone-deaf patient. Even the most familiar ones, Fei Xiang and Meng Tingwei, still sing poorly and can't find the tune. Perhaps for this reason, one of my favorite songs is "Nothing" by Cui Jian:
I used to ask endlessly, when will you leave me, but you always laughed at me and had nothing...
This is one of the songs that I rarely sing out of tune, or the out of tune is not too outrageous. The reason may be because it sings the voice from the bottom of my heart. Now it seems that "having nothing" should be the most accurate summary and confession of myself. The "nothing" here is not emotion, let alone material things, but knowledge, learning and cultivation. That said, a lot of the time I sing "have nothing" as "know nothing." Of course, this is just my understanding when I look back decades later, and I may not have thought so at the time. At that time, I didn’t know that I had nothing and knew nothing.
Yes, at that time, I was just 20 years old and had already graduated from college. He was admitted to university at the age of 16. He was the only undergraduate in the liberal arts class of his middle school. He seemed to be the only undergraduate in history. He was also one of the very few college students in the local area. At least in the eyes of his classmates and neighbors, this kid doesn't have everything. At the beginning of the university, Mr. Hu Shouren quoted Meng Jiao's poem "The spring breeze is so proud that the horse's hoofs are diseased, and all the flowers in Chang'an can be seen in one night" to describe our mood after admission. It should be quite appropriate.
It was not until recently that I finally understood that the vanity in my heart and the envy in the eyes of others at that time were actually unnecessary unless I had nothing and nothing to be proud of. Nowadays, middle school students are often proud of having attended a high school, such as the High School Affiliated to Renmin University, the High School Affiliated to Normal University, or the High School Affiliated to Fudan University. I often laugh at them for their lack of knowledge, as they are much worse than the high school attached to me: "You go to a high school attached to a university, and the high school I go to is a middle school attached to a primary school." Education has developed greatly, and the primary school has been upgraded to a junior high school. Most of our teachers were young men who had just graduated from rural middle schools during the heyday of the Cultural Revolution. They have never read physics, chemistry, etc., and they often have difficulty understanding the textbooks. If the teacher is like this, the students can imagine it too. When I was transitioning from junior high school to high school, I remember that I scored a total of 18 points in the physics and chemistry exams, all of which were multiple-choice questions, right? When I saw the question on the exam paper, such as whether the unit of current is "ampe" or "volt", I was secretly surprised. There must be an error in the exam paper. Why are there all such weird words? Conditions in high school are better, but not much better. When I became a teacher in college, a high school teacher was still trying to take the self-study exam. He had listened to countless tapes for more than ten years. The exam was difficult to pass. After all, age is not forgiving.
The college entrance examination can be considered a success, and the postgraduate and doctoral examinations can also be considered a success. But that's about it. During my internship in my senior year, a classmate wrote "bus" in her essay. I asked her what "bus" was, and she told her, "bus is the transliteration of bus." There was no disdain at all, and I didn't feel any shame at all. One classmate wrote in her essay: "I feel uneasy." I probably pronounced it "uneasy up and down," and she didn't tell me after class. When I was in normal school, a classmate wrote the sentence "Hepburn-like smile" in his essay. I didn't know who "Hepburn" was, and what kind of mysterious smile "Hepburn-like smile" was. I couldn't find it anywhere, and I didn't dare to ask questions in my essay comments. In front of the blackboard newspaper in the east of the library, a classmate asked me whether the word "shuang" in "not at all happy" meant "wrong". I hummed for a long time without comment... Later, there was a classmate named "Shu", and I directly pronounced it as "Zhu" in class. Precisely because I have read so many typos, I can’t help but laugh when I find others mispronounce them to show my superiority; precisely because I have made so many mistakes, when others laugh at others when they pronounce typos, I feel that there is no need to laugh, because we ourselves are not laughed at, just because we have not reached the level of others paying attention, or it is just because people are laughing behind our back without knowing it.
The ignorance at that time was of course far more than these words, but it seemed that I did not have the spirit of "not being ashamed of anything". Instead, I enjoyed the novelty of not knowing, the curiosity and exploration of not knowing. In the past, I only knew about wild flowers with unknown scientific names in the mountains. I had never seen the cannas and violets grown on campus. They were still so fresh and fond of them until I left school. I also followed the example of raising a pot of violets and a small pot of asparagus on my windowsill. The students' calligraphy and paintings were so beautiful that I secretly picked up paper and pen and painted all night long. I knew nothing about basketball, football, and dancing when I came to the normal school, but I didn't think anything of it. I just naturally started playing among my friends. I have been playing this game for decades now.
Now it seems that the collection of books in the Yongshi Library is not large, but it is still the place with the richest collection of books in the school. Almost every week or two, I would check out stacks of books from there and carry them back to the dormitory with both hands. Why do you move books with bare hands instead of wrapping them? It is possible that there were no schoolbags at that time, or that the schoolbags were too small to carry much with bare hands. It is said that this became a scene of Yongshi, and the second and third sons were inspired and motivated by it. But what they don’t know is that I will only hide in the library and read some books secretly, and will never move them home. I am not that bold yet. For example, Ellis's "Psychology of Sexuality" hidden in the back of the library is such a book. Once, I hid in a corner and watched so absorbedly that I didn't feel anyone coming. Teacher Zhang who came next to me saw me so absorbed and couldn't help but curiously asked: "What book are you reading?" Teacher Zhang left, but my face was still burning. I mean, I also know nothing about my body and sex, and this ignorance also drives me to read and explore curiously.
Yes, there were many things I didn’t know at that time. Looking back on the past, I feel ashamed. A friend sent me a wedding invitation. I didn’t know how deep the friendship and expectation was, but because I was short of money, I failed to live up to the invitation because I was out of town. I left the normal school to go to graduate school, probably because I wanted to get more scholarships, so I wrote to the school to ask if the salary record in the file could be increased, not knowing that facts cannot be changed, files cannot be altered, and rules must be followed. I go on a trip with my classmates and enjoy myself without knowing the difference between men and women.
Such a person who knows nothing has actually taught in school for three years. What can such a teacher teach students? But in my feeling back then, it seemed that the teachings in the past three years were not too bad, and the students in several classes also achieved their own achievements after graduation. For example, I am a typical tuneless person and cannot sing a complete song. However, during the school singing competition, I taught myself simple musical notation and taught and sang the "Yellow River Cantata" seriously. When I graduated, I got another song called "Stretch Out Your Hand" which was not too popular and taught it to the whole class. Surprisingly, at the 30th graduation party, the classmates still vaguely remembered it. After a little review, it seemed like they were back in time. Everyone called it the class song. His song says:
...Short time, beautiful memories, will be forever, will be forever, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la.
He didn't know that he didn't know, but he seriously taught in Donghualing for three years and taught outside Donghualing for several decades. Until today, I finally realized that I knew nothing, and finally understood that teaching does not require you to know much. Instinct, love, desire, kindness, action and bottom line are the capital of teachers. Teaching teaches, teachers learn by teaching, and students learn by learning. Students can learn and grow even without teaching, and they can even grow better. Just as a primary school can be attached to a middle school, only ignorance can teach great knowledge.
In this way, I don’t have to feel sorry for my ignorance and my ignorance of ignorance. Today's elementary school knowledge, a little hobby of football and basketball, a little love of calligraphy and dancing, a little closeness to flowers and plants, a little admiration for literature and beauty, and a little spirit that comes to me despite thousands of people, aren't they the seeds planted in Donghua Ridge, and aren't they the flowers that bloom without knowing that they are ignorant? Doesn't today's awareness of one's ignorance begin from the ignorance of ignorance back then?
However, after being away for thirty-five years, I finally realized this. It was a bit late after all, and I can probably be considered a late bloomer. It takes three and a half years to attend a university (usually four years at a university and the other half for internship), and thirty-five years is enough time for ten universities. Is it cost-effective or not to spend ten college years to understand a simple truth that I know nothing about?
The permanent teacher is gone, and classmates and friends are scattered. I wonder if the author is still walking on the streets or country roads in the world thirty-five years later? If you were here, you would still be able to hum this incomprehensible song involuntarily:
The dreamlike past is filled with laughter, and the lovely little river in front of the door is still singing old songs. Little river, I would like to stay by your side and listen to your eternal singing...
(September 8, 2020, Fudan Guanghua Building, written for "Memoirs of Yongxin Normal University")
About the author
Luo Shuhua, professor and doctoral supervisor in the Chinese Department of Fudan University; founder of New Academic Circles. He is the author of "Two Phoenixes Protecting the Pearl: The Structure and Narration of the Dream of Red Mansions", "A Close Reading of the Red Mansions", "Mainstreams of Chinese Fiction", "The Study of Chinese Narrative", "History of Chinese Prose" and other works. From 1985 to 1988, he taught at Yongxin Normal School, mainly in charge of the "Selected Literature and Writing" course for Class 4 and Class 5 of the 1988 session. Take companionship, respect, appreciation, help, tolerance, firmness, "don't do to others what others don't want you to do to them" and "don't do to me what you don't want others to do to you" as your life principles and goals. Do not infringe the personal, property, reputation and other rights of others and dissidents through words, actions or any form, nor allow others to infringe on your own person, property, reputation.
(Focus on new academic circles and build a new world)
Machine-translated from the Chinese original 那个时候，我还不知自己一无所知 (published 2020-10-29). WeChat original ↗